1.) Never close the door when you use the restroom.

2.) Drink 10 or more pickle shots per week. (Fireball is an acceptable substitute, but don’t make a habit of it, you little scamp!)

3.) Apologize constantly and profusely, but never mean it.

4.) Use a cast iron skillet to cook everything you eat – even foods that don’t need cooking. Tell everybody you meet you do this.

5.) Learn how to do that really loud whistle that uses two fingers. Use it as often as you can.

6.) Go on at least one cave tour a year. The guide will tell you not to touch the cave walls, but do it anyway. Feels like home, right? You love it – don’t you? Naughty, naughty.

7.) Remain in the center of the political spectrum; insist to anybody who engages in political discussion with you that they are an extremist.

8.) Get high on Benadryl and argue with your own hallucinations.